romance

Love is a Bitch!

Love is a Bitch!

 

Cruel Love

Sneaky, uninvited

She appears when least expected

Intent on mischief, beguiling fools

With sweet charm

 

Quickened hearts pound

Having found

The One

To heal life’s scars

Comfort the empty Soul

With Love’s soothing balm

 

Oh Wicked Love!

Cruel Deceiver

A mirage to the Soul

She vanishes

Leaving only tears and broken hearts

Where once her warm presence lingered.

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Divided

October 2011 – Johannesburg

Divided

Once Again

On the edge of Light

Divided I stand

 shall I fall? Shall I fight?

To the Breach! To the Breach!

The valor cry!

But none stand with me

Alone, I face my lie

Is this my path?

I rise, only to fall?

Is there not a neither?

Where just being, is the All.

Is this Life not the dream?

Where right and wrong deceive

Is not the True Life just being,

Through which we Truth, in Light, conceive?

I met a woman – a friend of a friend – one night when I was out alone.  It was one of those surreal evenings out when, fueled by relationship fatigue and alchohol, I was pretty much open to meeting someone new. And I did.  As we all do, sooner or later in our lives there will appear the other women (man).

She and I “just clicked”. We already “knew” each other, even though we had just met.  My heart was pounding. My sweaty palms moist against hers.  She even had a simian line on her left palm, just like mine.  The Universe was speaking, or so it seemed*.     That evening felt like eternity, although it ended in a blink. We parted ways and we were both in love.  *Interpreted by Jose Cuervo, apparently.

Except, we were both parting ways to return to our significant others.  I knew then, that this was a defining moment for me – not for what my racing heart was telling me to do – but for what my Soul was telling me not to.  Divided, I would remain standing, integral, whole.  Together with her, I would fall.  We both would.

The next day I chose to stand. But in my heart of hearts I know there must be another way. A way to express love, without harming others whom we love. We love for a reason. We love because love itself is boundless and seeks expression at every opportunity. It arises from the very fabric of consciousness itself.  True Love is a Fountanhead, a Wellspring. The Source of all good things. It cannot, should not, be denied. Yet so many love stories end in pain – either those who love, because they suppress and deny that love, or by the expression of their love, others are hurt. This shouldn’t be. It can’t be. There must be a middle way.

I Do!

And I Did! On 28 July my bride and I walked down the aisle and consummated in Spirit, what had already been consummated in the flesh. We were married.  In hindsight, the journey from resolve (in April) to exchanging vows (in July), was short and painless.  Once I had made the choice, it became a fixture on my life path as certain as my next birthday.

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The real challenge for me was financial.  How to fund an elaborate, out of town weekend wedding, in such a short period of time.  I was determined not to go into debt.  But I was also determined to get married.  There was much pressure from friends and family to “just get married in Court”, but I wanted to give my Slinky a wedding she would never forget.  One I would never forget. And so the Universe conspired to make it so. Counter-intuitively, I began to give money away.  I began to sponsor a community Church from my childhood days, supported other people in their needs, and determined that mine would be as easily met. And they were. The clients came, the work rolled in, and I have had more work to deal with than I could handle (but I did). I have set new standards for myself in work throughput, but more importantly, in manifesting that which is good and desirable into my life. Into our lives. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. Today that door is wide open.

Surprisingly, the Vows make a difference.  Being married feels different. There is a solemnity about making such deep promises to one other human being. I can imagine no greater sadness than to fail to live up to those vows.  Seeing her walk down that aisle towards me – radiant like the brightest star on a moonless night – I felt complete. Accomplished. Something magical was happening to me. I was being transfigured into something new. A part of me was dying, but I willingly shed that solitary, single self to become a Husband to my bride.

A new Adventure begins.

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Our superb photographer: Rinus Viljoen  https://www.facebook.com/rinustgf

Wedding Venue:  www.verlorenkloof.co.za

Afraid

Afraid

Why am I afraid

of the pain you inflict?

When you lash out with cruel words

or withdraw your love

Surely after all this time

I am inured to your violent heart

And your words pierce old wounds

Without pain

My heart is cold

At the thought of you

Only fear keeps me smiling

My eyes, no windows to my soul

My anger is deep

A poison

My love is dead

Only fear keeps me smiling

And I want you to die.

Late 2007 – the trauma of my relationship with Lize had reached a crescendo – or so it seemed.  Yet it would take another two years to let go.  The pain of being with her was only exceeded by the pain of leaving her.  She was my drug. My ecstasy.  A euphoric high that seemed to take me to the gates of heaven, before plunging me into the depths of hell.

Before you Go

Before you Go

Before you leave, and turn to go

Perhaps you will consider

That there is more to (this) love

I could deliver?

Then perhaps a different tack

Brings hope of passions new

Let me read you from these pages

A verse, a line – a tale to enthral you!

And so I can regain

Ground lost, through bickered hours

By soft light we’re caressed, while

My voice the story flowers!

So before you take your bow

Pause, and consider still the sound

of my voice, through these pages

while new love, and friendship’s found.

17April2007 – My relationship with Lize was beginning to unravel.  I did not know it then, but this was the first step in a long, painful process of disentanglement.  She loved me to read to her, and I had found an old edition (1952) of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.  I wrote this poem and hid it between the dusty text and colourful prints. Somehow this copy stayed with me.  In hindsight I should have left then – the tumultuous nature of our relationship, the passionate extremes, could not have been good for either of us.  Yet we clung to each other, afraid of the darkness.

Dalk?

Dalk

Dalk is jy die een

Dalk is jy nie

Maar hoe sal ek weet

as ons nie tyd saam spandeer nie?

Miskien is dit “die liefde”

Of net iets wat soos die liefde lyk

Maar hoe sal ons weet as ons nie wag nie?

Gee dit tyd

Ek dink dikwels aan jou

jou oe, jou glimlag

Eintlik droom ek, en luister na die stilte

van jou asem as jy langs my slaap

En ek wag.

February 2006 – I had recently met Lize, and was falling in love. She challenged me to write her a poem in Afrikaans. The beginning of my most harmful relationship yet, but one that led me to reconcile me with myself.

Love’s Labor’s Found

Never say never.  Or perhaps, DO say never. DO reject, cast out and abandon. it is amazing how taking a stand, even if it is the wrong stand, helps to focus the mind.  “I will never get married again” I said.  But what I was really saying was “I don’t ever want to be hurt like that again”.  After deep thought and deliberation about moving forward in my relationship, I had decided that marriage was not for me.  Little children were not for me.  And that was that.  But something interesting happened. “What was next?”  I wondered.  If I was not to marry, how could I ask … expect …. her to stay?  Beyond the defiance, there was a part of me that really wanted her to stay. But it was hidden. Buried underneath bravado, anger at my own past, resolve never to be vulnerable. And yet being vulnerable, I have discovered, is the only true path to love.  We cannot love unless we make ourselves vulnerable.  We cannot receive love, unless we tear down the walls that keep us safe.  There can only be true love when we are naked inside, exposed. To love and be loved, truly and without reserve, we cannot make ourselves safe.  No, our other makes us safe. The irony is that love lives in the same place as fear, but love overcomes fear.  Love is the opposite of fear. And in my defiance, my emphatic NO! , I had closed the door to love. to being loved.  In separating myself from what I had, I was able to find what I always wanted, right in front of me.

This love is very different. There is not that hovering fear of not being “good enough”. No uneasy suspicion that perhaps, just perhaps, there may be another, waiting to be met. Some other to sweep me away, or sweep my other way. No. Rather there is a resoluteness, a “matter of factness” that this is as it should be. It just is. I am.

And so, with new clarity about what it means to love, I have committed to a date. The 28th July 2012.

A venue: http://www.verlorenkloof.co.za.

And a bride, my Slinky.