Love is a Bitch!
Cruel Love
Sneaky, uninvited
She appears when least expected
Intent on mischief, beguiling fools
With sweet charm
Quickened hearts pound
Having found
The One
To heal life’s scars
Comfort the empty Soul
With Love’s soothing balm
Oh Wicked Love!
Cruel Deceiver
A mirage to the Soul
She vanishes
Leaving only tears and broken hearts
Where once her warm presence lingered.
October 2011 – Johannesburg
Divided
Once Again
On the edge of Light
Divided I stand
shall I fall? Shall I fight?
To the Breach! To the Breach!
The valor cry!
But none stand with me
Alone, I face my lie
Is this my path?
I rise, only to fall?
Is there not a neither?
Where just being, is the All.
Is this Life not the dream?
Where right and wrong deceive
Is not the True Life just being,
Through which we Truth, in Light, conceive?
I met a woman – a friend of a friend – one night when I was out alone. It was one of those surreal evenings out when, fueled by relationship fatigue and alchohol, I was pretty much open to meeting someone new. And I did. As we all do, sooner or later in our lives there will appear the other women (man).
She and I “just clicked”. We already “knew” each other, even though we had just met. My heart was pounding. My sweaty palms moist against hers. She even had a simian line on her left palm, just like mine. The Universe was speaking, or so it seemed*. That evening felt like eternity, although it ended in a blink. We parted ways and we were both in love. *Interpreted by Jose Cuervo, apparently.
Except, we were both parting ways to return to our significant others. I knew then, that this was a defining moment for me – not for what my racing heart was telling me to do – but for what my Soul was telling me not to. Divided, I would remain standing, integral, whole. Together with her, I would fall. We both would.
The next day I chose to stand. But in my heart of hearts I know there must be another way. A way to express love, without harming others whom we love. We love for a reason. We love because love itself is boundless and seeks expression at every opportunity. It arises from the very fabric of consciousness itself. True Love is a Fountanhead, a Wellspring. The Source of all good things. It cannot, should not, be denied. Yet so many love stories end in pain – either those who love, because they suppress and deny that love, or by the expression of their love, others are hurt. This shouldn’t be. It can’t be. There must be a middle way.
Charlotte’s Passion
Immortal Soul
Descended to Mortal Flesh
Not yet birthed
But in perfection lies
Balanced ‘tween Heaven’s Glory
And earth’s demise.
Innocence untouched, yet needs
Must choose, to Fall
And begin that journey which
Through balanced choice or
Earthly suffering
Returns to Heaven’s Gate
OR to Hell, should we err in our humanity
For we are weak vessels prone to passion’s lure
(A sin not of our own design)
Our Carnal Selves be Damned!
What fool believes in Heaven’s way
If righteousness be the only guide?
Perhaps no fool
But innocence see’s the lie
And Purity, who can deny?
This innocent’s right to choose
Her passage, whether through righteousness’ hand
Or Heaven’s Pardon
Or to return to Spirit, Soul unblemished
Unspoiled, yes, unborn!
A perfect One, conceived in vowed love
Nurtured and loved no less though in the Womb
Surely Angel’s delight in such a One
No less a father his cradled newborn
Or mother her swaddling babe.
No! love has not abandoned us
But abounds all the more
A beautiful death of mortal innocence
Whilst immortal Soul ascends
In Love and Truth
Her one true journey
Her Heaven’ed Fate.
April 2014: My nephew Devin and his wife Lala lose their newborn daughter Charlotte at birth. I was gutted as if she were my own. You were so loved Charlotte, by all those around you.
Timeless we pursue Vanity
Discarding precious moments with those we love
In Vain we cry out in regret
In the end, when the light grows dim.
Timeless, we spend with abandon
Until one day, expended,
we discover our misspent endeavours leave no peace
And we enter the shadows.
Timeless, we grasp at it
But it flows through fingers like water
Until we look down on lifeless bodies
And our souls fade into darkness.
Yet Timeless we are
Our lives a blink in the face of eternity
And after the end, we are born anew
To continue our sacred journey
into the Light.
And I Did! On 28 July my bride and I walked down the aisle and consummated in Spirit, what had already been consummated in the flesh. We were married. In hindsight, the journey from resolve (in April) to exchanging vows (in July), was short and painless. Once I had made the choice, it became a fixture on my life path as certain as my next birthday.
The real challenge for me was financial. How to fund an elaborate, out of town weekend wedding, in such a short period of time. I was determined not to go into debt. But I was also determined to get married. There was much pressure from friends and family to “just get married in Court”, but I wanted to give my Slinky a wedding she would never forget. One I would never forget. And so the Universe conspired to make it so. Counter-intuitively, I began to give money away. I began to sponsor a community Church from my childhood days, supported other people in their needs, and determined that mine would be as easily met. And they were. The clients came, the work rolled in, and I have had more work to deal with than I could handle (but I did). I have set new standards for myself in work throughput, but more importantly, in manifesting that which is good and desirable into my life. Into our lives. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. Today that door is wide open.
Surprisingly, the Vows make a difference. Being married feels different. There is a solemnity about making such deep promises to one other human being. I can imagine no greater sadness than to fail to live up to those vows. Seeing her walk down that aisle towards me – radiant like the brightest star on a moonless night – I felt complete. Accomplished. Something magical was happening to me. I was being transfigured into something new. A part of me was dying, but I willingly shed that solitary, single self to become a Husband to my bride.
A new Adventure begins.
Our superb photographer: Rinus Viljoen https://www.facebook.com/rinustgf
Wedding Venue: www.verlorenkloof.co.za
Afraid
Why am I afraid
of the pain you inflict?
When you lash out with cruel words
or withdraw your love
Surely after all this time
I am inured to your violent heart
And your words pierce old wounds
Without pain
My heart is cold
At the thought of you
Only fear keeps me smiling
My eyes, no windows to my soul
My anger is deep
A poison
My love is dead
Only fear keeps me smiling
And I want you to die.
Late 2007 – the trauma of my relationship with Lize had reached a crescendo – or so it seemed. Yet it would take another two years to let go. The pain of being with her was only exceeded by the pain of leaving her. She was my drug. My ecstasy. A euphoric high that seemed to take me to the gates of heaven, before plunging me into the depths of hell.
Before you Go
Before you leave, and turn to go
Perhaps you will consider
That there is more to (this) love
I could deliver?
Then perhaps a different tack
Brings hope of passions new
Let me read you from these pages
A verse, a line – a tale to enthral you!
And so I can regain
Ground lost, through bickered hours
By soft light we’re caressed, while
My voice the story flowers!
So before you take your bow
Pause, and consider still the sound
of my voice, through these pages
while new love, and friendship’s found.
17April2007 – My relationship with Lize was beginning to unravel. I did not know it then, but this was the first step in a long, painful process of disentanglement. She loved me to read to her, and I had found an old edition (1952) of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. I wrote this poem and hid it between the dusty text and colourful prints. Somehow this copy stayed with me. In hindsight I should have left then – the tumultuous nature of our relationship, the passionate extremes, could not have been good for either of us. Yet we clung to each other, afraid of the darkness.
Dalk
Dalk is jy die een
Dalk is jy nie
Maar hoe sal ek weet
as ons nie tyd saam spandeer nie?
Miskien is dit “die liefde”
Of net iets wat soos die liefde lyk
Maar hoe sal ons weet as ons nie wag nie?
Gee dit tyd
Ek dink dikwels aan jou
jou oe, jou glimlag
Eintlik droom ek, en luister na die stilte
van jou asem as jy langs my slaap
En ek wag.
February 2006 – I had recently met Lize, and was falling in love. She challenged me to write her a poem in Afrikaans. The beginning of my most harmful relationship yet, but one that led me to reconcile me with myself.
Sisters’ at War
No respite to this sibling hate
A poison buried in childhood fate
friendship fouled with resentment’s shard
love, play, laughter … sharpen its barb
Who is to blame? Their universe shattered
Mother? Father? A childhood battered
by broken vows, hardship, lies and deceit
locked in struggle for revenge so sweet
Suffer the children. A prize in this war
While death’s cruel shadow stands at the door
Parents’ to blame, their sacred vow lost
the children a blade, to win at all cost
Yet now the years have blossomed their lives
their love twines with hate, their sibling bonds hide
Parents’ hearts’ poison course through their veins
children conceived to grow up in pain
Suffer the children to come unto Me
Forgiveness and healing in your hearts must be
See through your parents’ fools’ hearts’ and pride
turn to each other, set grievance aside
Stand then alongside, your childhood love renew
Resolute your champion, your confidante, your muse
Free your sibling friendship to explore anew
Hold on to your sister, who deep down, is you.
∞
For Peyton and Emer: There is nothing I or your mom can do to undo the harm we have done. That which has been done is done. The seeds of self-destruction, planted by mom and dad, begin to blossom. It is up to you, as young adults, to look inside yourselves, and to each other, to find forgiveness and realize that what mom and dad did to each other, had nothing to do with you, and you need not drag it around with you anymore. January 2012
My daughters, 16 and 19, continuously at each other’s throats, pursue the war their exhausted parents have long lost the will to fight. The harm we inflict on our children through divorce, often only surface a decade later, when it is too late for regrets.
Never say never. Or perhaps, DO say never. DO reject, cast out and abandon. it is amazing how taking a stand, even if it is the wrong stand, helps to focus the mind. “I will never get married again” I said. But what I was really saying was “I don’t ever want to be hurt like that again”. After deep thought and deliberation about moving forward in my relationship, I had decided that marriage was not for me. Little children were not for me. And that was that. But something interesting happened. “What was next?” I wondered. If I was not to marry, how could I ask … expect …. her to stay? Beyond the defiance, there was a part of me that really wanted her to stay. But it was hidden. Buried underneath bravado, anger at my own past, resolve never to be vulnerable. And yet being vulnerable, I have discovered, is the only true path to love. We cannot love unless we make ourselves vulnerable. We cannot receive love, unless we tear down the walls that keep us safe. There can only be true love when we are naked inside, exposed. To love and be loved, truly and without reserve, we cannot make ourselves safe. No, our other makes us safe. The irony is that love lives in the same place as fear, but love overcomes fear. Love is the opposite of fear. And in my defiance, my emphatic NO! , I had closed the door to love. to being loved. In separating myself from what I had, I was able to find what I always wanted, right in front of me.
This love is very different. There is not that hovering fear of not being “good enough”. No uneasy suspicion that perhaps, just perhaps, there may be another, waiting to be met. Some other to sweep me away, or sweep my other way. No. Rather there is a resoluteness, a “matter of factness” that this is as it should be. It just is. I am.
And so, with new clarity about what it means to love, I have committed to a date. The 28th July 2012.
A venue: http://www.verlorenkloof.co.za.
And a bride, my Slinky.
MyBestLife! 