Month: August 2012

Timeless

Timeless we pursue Vanity

Discarding precious moments with those we love

In Vain we cry out in regret

In the end, when the light grows dim.

 

Timeless, we spend with abandon

Until one day, expended,

we discover our misspent endeavours leave no peace

And we enter the shadows.

 

Timeless, we grasp at it

But it flows through fingers like water

Until we look down on lifeless bodies

And our souls fade into darkness.

 

Yet Timeless we are

Our lives a blink in the face of eternity

And after the end, we are born anew

To continue our sacred journey

into the Light.

I Do!

And I Did! On 28 July my bride and I walked down the aisle and consummated in Spirit, what had already been consummated in the flesh. We were married.  In hindsight, the journey from resolve (in April) to exchanging vows (in July), was short and painless.  Once I had made the choice, it became a fixture on my life path as certain as my next birthday.

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The real challenge for me was financial.  How to fund an elaborate, out of town weekend wedding, in such a short period of time.  I was determined not to go into debt.  But I was also determined to get married.  There was much pressure from friends and family to “just get married in Court”, but I wanted to give my Slinky a wedding she would never forget.  One I would never forget. And so the Universe conspired to make it so. Counter-intuitively, I began to give money away.  I began to sponsor a community Church from my childhood days, supported other people in their needs, and determined that mine would be as easily met. And they were. The clients came, the work rolled in, and I have had more work to deal with than I could handle (but I did). I have set new standards for myself in work throughput, but more importantly, in manifesting that which is good and desirable into my life. Into our lives. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. Today that door is wide open.

Surprisingly, the Vows make a difference.  Being married feels different. There is a solemnity about making such deep promises to one other human being. I can imagine no greater sadness than to fail to live up to those vows.  Seeing her walk down that aisle towards me – radiant like the brightest star on a moonless night – I felt complete. Accomplished. Something magical was happening to me. I was being transfigured into something new. A part of me was dying, but I willingly shed that solitary, single self to become a Husband to my bride.

A new Adventure begins.

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Our superb photographer: Rinus Viljoen  https://www.facebook.com/rinustgf

Wedding Venue:  www.verlorenkloof.co.za

Afraid

Afraid

Why am I afraid

of the pain you inflict?

When you lash out with cruel words

or withdraw your love

Surely after all this time

I am inured to your violent heart

And your words pierce old wounds

Without pain

My heart is cold

At the thought of you

Only fear keeps me smiling

My eyes, no windows to my soul

My anger is deep

A poison

My love is dead

Only fear keeps me smiling

And I want you to die.

Late 2007 – the trauma of my relationship with Lize had reached a crescendo – or so it seemed.  Yet it would take another two years to let go.  The pain of being with her was only exceeded by the pain of leaving her.  She was my drug. My ecstasy.  A euphoric high that seemed to take me to the gates of heaven, before plunging me into the depths of hell.

Before you Go

Before you Go

Before you leave, and turn to go

Perhaps you will consider

That there is more to (this) love

I could deliver?

Then perhaps a different tack

Brings hope of passions new

Let me read you from these pages

A verse, a line – a tale to enthral you!

And so I can regain

Ground lost, through bickered hours

By soft light we’re caressed, while

My voice the story flowers!

So before you take your bow

Pause, and consider still the sound

of my voice, through these pages

while new love, and friendship’s found.

17April2007 – My relationship with Lize was beginning to unravel.  I did not know it then, but this was the first step in a long, painful process of disentanglement.  She loved me to read to her, and I had found an old edition (1952) of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.  I wrote this poem and hid it between the dusty text and colourful prints. Somehow this copy stayed with me.  In hindsight I should have left then – the tumultuous nature of our relationship, the passionate extremes, could not have been good for either of us.  Yet we clung to each other, afraid of the darkness.

Dalk?

Dalk

Dalk is jy die een

Dalk is jy nie

Maar hoe sal ek weet

as ons nie tyd saam spandeer nie?

Miskien is dit “die liefde”

Of net iets wat soos die liefde lyk

Maar hoe sal ons weet as ons nie wag nie?

Gee dit tyd

Ek dink dikwels aan jou

jou oe, jou glimlag

Eintlik droom ek, en luister na die stilte

van jou asem as jy langs my slaap

En ek wag.

February 2006 – I had recently met Lize, and was falling in love. She challenged me to write her a poem in Afrikaans. The beginning of my most harmful relationship yet, but one that led me to reconcile me with myself.

Sisters Divided

Sisters’ at War

No respite to this sibling hate

A poison buried in childhood fate

friendship fouled with resentment’s shard

love, play, laughter … sharpen its barb

Who is to blame? Their universe shattered

Mother? Father? A childhood battered

by broken vows, hardship,  lies and deceit

locked in struggle for revenge so sweet

Suffer the children. A prize in this war

While death’s cruel shadow stands at the door

Parents’ to blame, their sacred vow lost

the children a blade, to win at all cost

Yet now the years have blossomed their lives

their love twines with hate, their sibling bonds hide

Parents’ hearts’ poison course through their veins

children conceived to grow up in pain

Suffer the children to come unto Me

Forgiveness and healing in your hearts must be

See through your parents’ fools’ hearts’ and pride

turn to each other, set grievance aside

Stand then alongside, your childhood love renew

Resolute your champion, your confidante, your muse

Free your sibling friendship to explore anew

Hold on to your sister, who deep down, is you.

For Peyton and Emer:  There is nothing I or your mom can do to undo the harm we have done. That which has been done is done.  The seeds of self-destruction, planted by mom and dad, begin to blossom.  It is up to you, as young adults, to look inside yourselves, and to each other, to find forgiveness and realize that what mom and dad did to each other, had nothing to do with you, and you need not drag it around with you anymore. January 2012

My daughters, 16 and 19, continuously at each other’s throats, pursue the war their exhausted parents have long lost the will to fight.  The harm we inflict on our children through divorce, often only surface a decade later, when it is too late for regrets.