Never say never. Or perhaps, DO say never. DO reject, cast out and abandon. it is amazing how taking a stand, even if it is the wrong stand, helps to focus the mind. “I will never get married again” I said. But what I was really saying was “I don’t ever want to be hurt like that again”. After deep thought and deliberation about moving forward in my relationship, I had decided that marriage was not for me. Little children were not for me. And that was that. But something interesting happened. “What was next?” I wondered. If I was not to marry, how could I ask … expect …. her to stay? Beyond the defiance, there was a part of me that really wanted her to stay. But it was hidden. Buried underneath bravado, anger at my own past, resolve never to be vulnerable. And yet being vulnerable, I have discovered, is the only true path to love. We cannot love unless we make ourselves vulnerable. We cannot receive love, unless we tear down the walls that keep us safe. There can only be true love when we are naked inside, exposed. To love and be loved, truly and without reserve, we cannot make ourselves safe. No, our other makes us safe. The irony is that love lives in the same place as fear, but love overcomes fear. Love is the opposite of fear. And in my defiance, my emphatic NO! , I had closed the door to love. to being loved. In separating myself from what I had, I was able to find what I always wanted, right in front of me.
This love is very different. There is not that hovering fear of not being “good enough”. No uneasy suspicion that perhaps, just perhaps, there may be another, waiting to be met. Some other to sweep me away, or sweep my other way. No. Rather there is a resoluteness, a “matter of factness” that this is as it should be. It just is. I am.
And so, with new clarity about what it means to love, I have committed to a date. The 28th July 2012.
A venue: http://www.verlorenkloof.co.za.
And a bride, my Slinky.